Can you hear me?

Today I woke up and got ready for work, just like any other day. However, something made me stop and go to the other jewelry box when picking out my accessories for the day. I opened his jewelry box - the one Mike gave me on our anniversary. The one where he hung a silver cross necklace I had been eying for some time and where he tucked a tanzanite and diamond ring into the drawer. I opened each and every drawer, I touched and picked up each pair of earrings, each ring, each necklace... and I felt nothing.

I didn't get the usual feeling of comfort, of joy, or of good memories flooding my brain. It was what I was looking for, but I didn't get it. At that moment my heart just made a thud in my chest and my brain shut itself down, shielding me from the painful emotions. The ones where I realize - time is passing and I'm starting to forget the little things. What does his voice sound like? I remember loving his laugh but I can't hear it anymore. I remember how he liked to hold my hand but I can't feel it anymore. I remember how he styled his hair but I can't touch it. I can't prove my memories and they are not as fresh.

This new feeling of loss is different than when he passed away almost 4 years ago. It comes with fear and doubt. Will I one day forget everything? Did it all really happen? Is all this progress toward moving forward going to just cease?

As I closed up the jewelry box and put on the necklace he bought me for Valentine's day one year, I couldn't help but say to myself, "he loved me, right?" I couldn't believe I even questioned it, but there it was, hanging in the air. I know the answer, but I guess I was just hoping to hear him say yes, just one more time.

RIP Michael R. Eckhoff 5.21.08


Make way for 2012!

Looking Back on 2011
  • My Godson was baptized!
  • I was offered a full-time position at my job.
  • My cousins Travis & Phyllis started the next generation with baby Hannah!
  • I bought a house.
  • I got engaged to a wonderful man <3
  • I repaired an old relationship <3
  • I strengthened new relationships :D
Looking Forward to 2012
  • My bridal shower!
  • I'm getting married!
  • Our friends Frank & Katrina are getting married!
  • Our friends Jon & Melissa are getting married!
  • We might start trying for a baby after the wedding :) Will we make the cut off for a dragon baby? (cue suspense)
My goals are always the same, to strive to be the best person I can be regardless of how others treat me - to be true to myself and not change who I am based on the actions of others. To continue to be that person who loves to take care of others whether it be humans or my pets and yet still remember to take time for myself and do the things that I enjoy. This is the person who I was, the person I lost for a few years and the person I'm slowly getting back to being. God's blessings, love and peace to everyone today, tomorrow, next year and always.



Less Boxes, More Furniture & a May Wedding

Well, we are certainly making progress with the move-in process. Thanks to my dear friend Sammy we've organized and unpacked many boxes but we still have plenty more to take care of. However, we take it slow and only open boxes when we feel like it. Some days we open boxes on days we don't plan on it and sometimes we don't open anything for almost a week. Thankfully the boxes can now fit in two rooms - the dining room and the guest room. The living room is almost empty and put away and most of the other rooms just have a few things here and there. It's starting to look really good. So... less boxes, now, onto more furniture.

My living room sectional finally came in. It's gorgeous and super comfortable and leather. It's amazing, has three reclining seats and a pull out bed. I'm in love with it. Worth every cent. I'm pretty sure our guests will love it too. It's nice to have seating again that hasn't been totally overtaken by our pets. In addition, Kristopher and I also got out desks in for our office. It's awesome. Once everything gets put away properly it should serve to be a very functional space for the both of us. He plans to use his mostly for his work and gaming and I use mine for my computing and crafts. I haven't added any other furniture, we had enough from the last house.

A May wedding! Last weekend, Kristopher and I went to Houston, TX with my mom to get some of the major wedding details hammered out. We've picked a venue, a church, solidified dates and put down deposits. This is really happening! Since then I've been scoping out live bands, sending out "Will you be My..." invites to our bridal party and even trying on some wedding dresses. I can't wait until May 12, 2012. I just hope my stress level can stay at a normal level until then. I know, highly unlikely, but a girl can dream, can't she?

Next thing coming up? Thanksgiving! My mom, sister and possibly aunt and grandparents are going to come down. That's my deadline for getting the house in order. Hopefully Kristopher gets to work on our entertainment center so there aren't any wires hanging out everywhere when they see the house for the first time.