7.21.2008

Two Months

Today marks the second complete month that Michael has been gone. I am an incredible mix of emotions right now. I've been moving quite happily down the recovery ramp and there are just some days when it seems like someone left you a box to trip over at the end of the ramp and you go flying but you're not quite sure where you are going to land. In those cases, staying in flight seems like the best scenario.

My ring has been moved over to my other hand. I don't like the odd looks I get from people when I hang out with my guy friends and they wonder which one of them I'm engaged to. Also applies to the strangers in the bar that ask when I'm getting married and all that jazz. Much easier to move it because quite frankly, a stranger does not need to know anyway. No use sharing that story with them.

I went to visit Michael today and was instantly filled with tears. I'm not sure why, like I said, I was moving kind of smoothly down the recovery ramp with just a few bumps in the road but for some reason today, it's like I went into a wall and got smushed. However, fear not friends and family, I'm okay it was just "one of those days." I've been somewhat confused lately on who's feelings I need to consider in certain decisions that I'm being faced with. I automatically want to say, my feelings count the most - weighted 50%. Yet, if you know me, you know that I do not work that way even though I know it may be in my best interest.

I don't want to be in New York any longer. I want to move and I want to move soon and I know there are a few people who may not be happy with my decision or my plans. It's hard to think about and, like I said, I don't want to upset anyone. But, it will make me 20 times happier than I am now and no, that is not an exaggeration.

For those of you that I have just worried and are now fearing that I am in a depressive downward spiral and never leaving the house again... do not worry. I have dinner plans on Tuesday and Thursday. I am being sociable all weekend and I even have plans NEXT Thursday already. I've also planned plenty of vacations so I have time to get away and think. time to relax, time to be me and time to sleep. I don't sleep well here but I've slept amazing while I've been away so that's a plus.