Three Months

So yesterday marked the third month since Michael passed away. I went to visit him but just felt somewhat numb staring at the plaque his Uncle Ray had made for his plot until the headstone was ready. The cemetery used to bring a certain type of comfort, it used to help me to cry when I needed to, and, at times, it still does but yesterday I didn't have that feeling. Maybe I'm going through another stage of grief or maybe it was just the general bad mood I was in.

I was mad. Problem is, I didn't have something or someone to be mad at, I just was. So, I tried to just deal with it as best as I could. Talk about it? There wasn't anything to talk about it and I mean that so don't tell that I need to talk... trust me, I talk plenty. I just miss him.

Plain and simple, I miss Michael and not a day goes by that I don't miss him. Some days suck more than others because well, sometimes you just have that need to hear, see or talk to a certain person and when they are not there...

I think I'm going to stop telling people that I miss Michael. For some reason it's a sign that you're "not okay" if you're still missing someone when they have passed away. It's okay when they are alive, but not if they are dead. I don't understand it, aren't I allowed to miss Michael without being viewed as depressed or in a bad emotional state?

I know everyone cares about me, everyone wants to make sure I'm okay and everyone wants to make sure that things will be alright. I hate to break it to some of you, but only time is going to help. It doesn't matter where I am, who I'm with, or what I'm doing but only time and faith is going to get me through this. My closest friends know that I'm smart enough to ask for help if I really need it and thankfully, I think I've always been sensible enough to realize when I'm in a bad spot - damn that gut feeling I tell you!

I'm quickly finding out that grief though is definitely a different process for everyone. No one can truly know how you feel because there are always other factors that shape it, your personality, outsiders, personal issues, etc. The stages may always be the same, the process perhaps the same, the actual grief you feel though will always feel personal for anyone you know who passes away. I'm learning not to just get over it, but to cherish the emotion it brings me. My reactions, feelings and thoughts just speak for what Michael and I had together and what he meant to me.

Otherwise... grief would be easy wouldn't it?

A beach drive is in order for tonight - the wind always feel good in my hair and the water is comforting. I can take more pictures too, maybe there will be a pretty sunset.


Officially Moving out of New York

So here we go, I am officially moving out of New York. The dates are set, the plans have been made and I'm getting ready to go. I'm basically packing lots of boxes (moving companies cost too much) and shipping them off to my friend in Lafayette, Louisiana. I know many of you are shocked (my family) a few of you were hoping I'd change my mind (my friends) and some of you are happy that I'm doing something to make me happy. I hope you all eventually end up in that last category. While I've normally been the one to not make such quick decisions (I assure you lots of thinking went into this), I feel that I need to do what makes me happy and moving, at the moment makes me happy. If it doesn't work out and I come back to New York or end up in another state, so be it. I'm not going to stress about it, life is short, be happy. I'll miss New York but it's time to move on so that I can get on with life the way Michael would want me to.

I'm not really going to give you guys much detail except that I have given my job a 1-month notice as of last Friday the 15th. My last physical day of work is Sept. 10, 2008. My friend, Kristopher, is flying in on Fri., Sept. 12 and we are driving my car down to Lafayette starting when the sun rises on Sat., Sept. 13 and hopefully ending in Lafayette by Sun.

No, I currently do not have a job lined up but I am looking to do plenty of freelance work and I have started my job search in Louisiana. I like how things are nice and laid back down there; people are so friendly! (Kelly says I'm not truly mean enough to be a New Yorker anyway.) Also another plus, is the lack of snow, though I'm trading that in for plenty of rain but I think I prefer rain to snow anyhow.

There were a few factors to moving, the people - of course I'm going where I have more friends and know people, not totally going out on my own here. Also mom and dad will be just 3.5 hours or so away in Las Vegas so weekend vacations to Vegas are probably more likely than from New York. Laura is moving to CT - she's in the middle of finding a place now and Christopher, I believe, you would have to confirm with him, is probably going to stay in PA after graduation. So rather than stay in the big Massapequa house where I was going to live with Michael, I am moving. There are some other, more personal reasons, motivations and stresses for leaving as well but I'll keep those to myself.

I'll be back for some holidays - Christmas, Chinese New Year and Grandpa's Birthday so far...

Kelly and I are planning a night during my last week here as a goodbye get together so I'll keep you all informed of that as well. As always, feel free to come visit, just think of it as another vacation spot (Kelly is already contemplating Mardi Gras LOL). Oh and did I mention all the yummy food?

Once I am settled in, I will update my Facebook profile with my new address (for those of you who are in the "Contact Info OK" friend group) and also send an email.


Just Another Day

Warning - this post is long.

So today was quite filled. I went to church this morning and I couldn't believe how empty it was. It was sort of sad to see the place so sparse when, at one time, when I was younger, it was always filled. However, being there still felt comforting. We didn't have an organist and I have to say we all did quite well singing without one. The pastor that filled in today had a great sermon. It centered around the Bible story of Peter walking on water. For some reason, his sermon and the lesson today just hit me. Certain things would bring tears to my eyes as I related my experience to the story. After being away for two weeks and skipping the week in between, I felt like this just hit home. I had so much strength in the beginning, and I still do, however, I'm starting to get worn out with some other things. Going to church this morning and listening to the story and sermon made me feel so much better. I felt like a little child in Sunday School learning again. It was a reminder for me to trust in God, not to doubt Him (not that I was but I was probably going down that road and didn't even know it yet). I guess it made me think to myself, "Keep having faith, trust Him to take care of you, trust Him to guide you and you'll be able to keep on standing where you think you wouldn't be able to otherwise."

After communion I sat down in the pew to pray as I always do and tears started to come to my eyes. I prayed to God saying, "I don't even know what to say, I don't even know what to ask for anymore except more strength and more peace." Then I continued with the standard parts of my prayer where I asked him to watch over Penny, Sonny, Matthew, Mikey and Fran; continue to bless my family; thank him for Kelly, Frankie and Kristopher; and ask for His guidance and healing. I felt so much better after that. When I left church this morning, yeah I wept a little more but I think it was a good sort of weeping although sad.

After church today I went to visit Mikey and picked up McDonalds for him for lunch. I walked in and he immediately said, "Michelle! I missed you!" He continued telling me how he didn't see me the days before and how he didn't think I was going to come and visit. After talking and catching up with Penny and Sonny for a little bit, I went to watch Mikey play Spider-Man on the Wii. It was a good, sentimental time; I love seeing that boy happy. I was also stressed as I'm trying to figure out how to handle the situation with Michael's car so that it benefits everyone and my credit doesn't get all screwed up. That has been set in motion but I don't know if it's going to go well so we shall see. Probably won't go well at all but I don't know what else to do at this point. When I said goodbye to him he was a little upset, he keeps asking me why I don't stay the nights, I tell him that I have to stay at home because I'm sad but he keeps telling me that I can sleep on the couch instead. I wish I could.

I guess I cleared up a few things on my plate today but even so, I still don't feel much better in the stress department. Too much thinking I guess but that's what I do - my brain never stops working. LOL. Other than that, I'm doing well enough and as best as can be expected. I've been missing the little things about Michael lately like his smile, his laugh, his hugs, seeing him dance and things of that nature. It seems that my memories are *finally* starting to open up so that I can enjoy them so they bring sentimental tears. Sure it hurts, but I wouldn't expect anything less whether I like it or not.

Today I also went to the christening party for Little Louie (my friends Carolyn and Louis' baby boy). He is sooooo adorable and I get such joy out of getting gifts for babies and toddlers. I'm sure by the time this is posted Carolyn might have opened the gifts already so I'm going to say that the little Puma sneakers I got are SOOOOO adorable, I love them myself.

After the party (I left right before cake), I took a drive past the beach down Ocean Parkway, down to Point Lookout and back around to Jones Beach, parked in one of the fields and walked halfway to the water. It was calming and there wasn't any noise in my head. I didn't take this time to think or to clear out the controversies in my head, I just sat there and enjoyed the breeze, the quietness, the sound of the ocean, the smell of the saltwater and the colors - streaks of blue, pink and purple painted the sky - and relaxed. Of course, that ended once I got back into the car and drove back home but at least I had some time of peace.

That was my day and while there are still things tumbling around inside this head of mine (think of one of those like rain sticks where you turn it upside down and all the stuff inside trickles from one end to the other - that's how my brain feels like it's functioning. Except, someone keeps flipping the stick back and forth before the thoughts can get to the other side. I guess today was one of the good days... trying to be optimistic here. Oh yeah, Kelly and Frankie - the best friends a girl like me could ever have. Thank you guys... for everything, I think you do more for me than you could ever know. I love you.


August 8, 2008

Just a few months ago I was planning a wedding, mine and Michael's wedding, to take place one year from this day. It's amazing how things change so fast, so quickly, how life can take you for twists and turns. Good thing I'm holding on tight on this rollercoaster ride. No matter how well in advanced Michael and I had planned - we couldn't have avoided this. You know, life can be short, in retrospect I wish Michael and I had done the quick wedding in Las Vegas :) but at the same time, it's not what we had wanted. We wanted a big family gathering with everyone we knew. We wanted to do it big and we wanted it to be a huge celebration of us and the life we would have together. So while I wish we had gotten the chance to be married, I don't regret setting the date for August 8, 2009 instead.

I love him, he loved me, that's all that really matters - celebrate what we had not what we didn't get to experience. Life is short, do what makes you happy and live. After all, I learned that from Michael. He wasn't a big kid (well he was), he just enjoyed life - every part of it. Always happy, always laughing, always smiling. He did what made him happy and not what pleased everyone else.

That's what I'm going to do. Thanks dear.