8.10.2008

Just Another Day

Warning - this post is long.

So today was quite filled. I went to church this morning and I couldn't believe how empty it was. It was sort of sad to see the place so sparse when, at one time, when I was younger, it was always filled. However, being there still felt comforting. We didn't have an organist and I have to say we all did quite well singing without one. The pastor that filled in today had a great sermon. It centered around the Bible story of Peter walking on water. For some reason, his sermon and the lesson today just hit me. Certain things would bring tears to my eyes as I related my experience to the story. After being away for two weeks and skipping the week in between, I felt like this just hit home. I had so much strength in the beginning, and I still do, however, I'm starting to get worn out with some other things. Going to church this morning and listening to the story and sermon made me feel so much better. I felt like a little child in Sunday School learning again. It was a reminder for me to trust in God, not to doubt Him (not that I was but I was probably going down that road and didn't even know it yet). I guess it made me think to myself, "Keep having faith, trust Him to take care of you, trust Him to guide you and you'll be able to keep on standing where you think you wouldn't be able to otherwise."

After communion I sat down in the pew to pray as I always do and tears started to come to my eyes. I prayed to God saying, "I don't even know what to say, I don't even know what to ask for anymore except more strength and more peace." Then I continued with the standard parts of my prayer where I asked him to watch over Penny, Sonny, Matthew, Mikey and Fran; continue to bless my family; thank him for Kelly, Frankie and Kristopher; and ask for His guidance and healing. I felt so much better after that. When I left church this morning, yeah I wept a little more but I think it was a good sort of weeping although sad.

After church today I went to visit Mikey and picked up McDonalds for him for lunch. I walked in and he immediately said, "Michelle! I missed you!" He continued telling me how he didn't see me the days before and how he didn't think I was going to come and visit. After talking and catching up with Penny and Sonny for a little bit, I went to watch Mikey play Spider-Man on the Wii. It was a good, sentimental time; I love seeing that boy happy. I was also stressed as I'm trying to figure out how to handle the situation with Michael's car so that it benefits everyone and my credit doesn't get all screwed up. That has been set in motion but I don't know if it's going to go well so we shall see. Probably won't go well at all but I don't know what else to do at this point. When I said goodbye to him he was a little upset, he keeps asking me why I don't stay the nights, I tell him that I have to stay at home because I'm sad but he keeps telling me that I can sleep on the couch instead. I wish I could.

I guess I cleared up a few things on my plate today but even so, I still don't feel much better in the stress department. Too much thinking I guess but that's what I do - my brain never stops working. LOL. Other than that, I'm doing well enough and as best as can be expected. I've been missing the little things about Michael lately like his smile, his laugh, his hugs, seeing him dance and things of that nature. It seems that my memories are *finally* starting to open up so that I can enjoy them so they bring sentimental tears. Sure it hurts, but I wouldn't expect anything less whether I like it or not.

Today I also went to the christening party for Little Louie (my friends Carolyn and Louis' baby boy). He is sooooo adorable and I get such joy out of getting gifts for babies and toddlers. I'm sure by the time this is posted Carolyn might have opened the gifts already so I'm going to say that the little Puma sneakers I got are SOOOOO adorable, I love them myself.

After the party (I left right before cake), I took a drive past the beach down Ocean Parkway, down to Point Lookout and back around to Jones Beach, parked in one of the fields and walked halfway to the water. It was calming and there wasn't any noise in my head. I didn't take this time to think or to clear out the controversies in my head, I just sat there and enjoyed the breeze, the quietness, the sound of the ocean, the smell of the saltwater and the colors - streaks of blue, pink and purple painted the sky - and relaxed. Of course, that ended once I got back into the car and drove back home but at least I had some time of peace.

That was my day and while there are still things tumbling around inside this head of mine (think of one of those like rain sticks where you turn it upside down and all the stuff inside trickles from one end to the other - that's how my brain feels like it's functioning. Except, someone keeps flipping the stick back and forth before the thoughts can get to the other side. I guess today was one of the good days... trying to be optimistic here. Oh yeah, Kelly and Frankie - the best friends a girl like me could ever have. Thank you guys... for everything, I think you do more for me than you could ever know. I love you.

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