So yesterday marked the third month since Michael passed away. I went to visit him but just felt somewhat numb staring at the plaque his Uncle Ray had made for his plot until the headstone was ready. The cemetery used to bring a certain type of comfort, it used to help me to cry when I needed to, and, at times, it still does but yesterday I didn't have that feeling. Maybe I'm going through another stage of grief or maybe it was just the general bad mood I was in.
I was mad. Problem is, I didn't have something or someone to be mad at, I just was. So, I tried to just deal with it as best as I could. Talk about it? There wasn't anything to talk about it and I mean that so don't tell that I need to talk... trust me, I talk plenty. I just miss him.
Plain and simple, I miss Michael and not a day goes by that I don't miss him. Some days suck more than others because well, sometimes you just have that need to hear, see or talk to a certain person and when they are not there...
I think I'm going to stop telling people that I miss Michael. For some reason it's a sign that you're "not okay" if you're still missing someone when they have passed away. It's okay when they are alive, but not if they are dead. I don't understand it, aren't I allowed to miss Michael without being viewed as depressed or in a bad emotional state?
I know everyone cares about me, everyone wants to make sure I'm okay and everyone wants to make sure that things will be alright. I hate to break it to some of you, but only time is going to help. It doesn't matter where I am, who I'm with, or what I'm doing but only time and faith is going to get me through this. My closest friends know that I'm smart enough to ask for help if I really need it and thankfully, I think I've always been sensible enough to realize when I'm in a bad spot - damn that gut feeling I tell you!
I'm quickly finding out that grief though is definitely a different process for everyone. No one can truly know how you feel because there are always other factors that shape it, your personality, outsiders, personal issues, etc. The stages may always be the same, the process perhaps the same, the actual grief you feel though will always feel personal for anyone you know who passes away. I'm learning not to just get over it, but to cherish the emotion it brings me. My reactions, feelings and thoughts just speak for what Michael and I had together and what he meant to me.
Otherwise... grief would be easy wouldn't it?
A beach drive is in order for tonight - the wind always feel good in my hair and the water is comforting. I can take more pictures too, maybe there will be a pretty sunset.