10.21.2008

Month Five & I'm Still Alive

Time is tricky... sometimes it feels as if it has gone by so fast and sometimes it feels like it will never move on; like I'm trapped. Somehow, these two feelings seem to intertwine for me. Time can feel different within the same day at some points. Today, I can't believe that it's been five months since Michael passed away. It doesn't seem like it's possible. It must have only been last month. In the first three months or so after my world changed, I thought, "Wow, you're doing great, you've improved emotionally, set things in focus and come to terms with reality in such a short period of time." Now, things are different. It's been two months, I'm moving on but it seems so slow, like I haven't gone far even though, in actuality, I've gone quite a way. It's not that I want time to go by quicker or that it's easier day by day, it's just that I, being the perfectionist that I am, feel that I'm not hitting my peak, my best at healing.

I know, that's weird, and by most standards, I'm probably doing better than anyone, but in the end, the pain is still there. I've realized that moving to Louisiana was definitely the right decision. I've had more time to reflect and to let my emotions go. I find there are days that I cry because I miss Michael so much when a good memory passes my mind or when special-occasion days near. Yet, I realize it's a cleansing process that I need. Instead of crying out of frustration, confusion and outside emotional battles, I find that when I cry, it's pure grieving. It's because I miss him and the way things were and how they were going to be, but it's me accepting that just one more thing is not going to happen and that it is different now. I cry until I get rid of the feeling and when I'm done, I feel so much better that I know it's okay.

Things are different, many things have become real again as I am starting to filter out what is real and true and from things that have just been reactions. I can't say I'm happy about it, it's tough losing someone you love with all your heart, it's even harder when it brings out other truths that you've just been ignoring in a time of grief... and hoped would've ended differently.

On happier notes, Mikey's 6th birthday just passed. I heard from his mom and from Michael's mom and brother that he had a great birthday with plenty of cool gifts and a trip to the zoo. I called him on his birthday and we talked a little about school and how he's doing. It was so great to hear his voice, of course, after I hung up the phone, it brought tears to my eyes and I cried some more. Many of you know why it hits me at my core...

I have registered my puppy with the AKC today, his certificate should come in soon. Yes, his full name was registered: Sushi the Samurai Monster. He is definitely getting bigger, it's hard to tell from pictures but I looked at one the other day and was surprised. However, his hair is growing quick, so, for all I know, he's all fluff and no meat. He will still go to the bathroom inside if I don't catch the signs and ask him if he wants to "go out" but he does know that he's in trouble since he promptly comes up to me all loving until I find out what he did. Then he runs and hides hoping that I don't get mad at him. On the other hand, he is getting better at sitting for his food. He will sit for it when the bowl is in my hand and wait - soon he will sit and wait until I tell him it's okay to eat; just like Dusty (or that's my plan anyway). He licks my tears when I cry though and that always makes me smile. He always looks for me when I leave the room, if he can see me it's okay but once I leave his line of sight, he will whine wondering when I'll be back. Yes, he's my baby and I love him.

I heard from the Eckhoffs that Michael's headstone will be up at the cemetery on Thursday. They went this past Saturday to review it and I heard that even though it was an emotional day, that it was perfect. I'll be home on Thursday, November 6th and you can bet that the first place I'll be on Friday morning is with Michael. I am actually looking forward to it in an odd way. How can things be so real and yet feel so unreal at the same time?

Oh and, I miss my best friend ever, it's hard being away from her but I know that we'll be okay no matter what we go through. Sometimes, I swear, I can just feel her thinking of me. I'll sit around at home and think, Kelly's at school right now, she's probably rolling her eyes at the students who thought they could get through security with guns and/or knives today. I can't wait to hear her stories. Then on Fridays I'll think about how Kelly is at No Limits bartending and I can see her smile and giggle and it makes me smile. See what you do for me Kel? I don't even have to be on the phone with you!!!!

Good Night.