11.20.2008

Things are Going to Change

Okay, so it's technically still the 20th of November here in the Central Time Zone and I've decided, I'm not going to put up a dreary 6-month post. I'm just not going to do it. Six months seems unreal and at the same time, I look back and I see that I've made it six months and say to myself - why dwell? You're going to make it, you're going to be okay. The first year is always the hardest and while documenting my month-by-month journey with grief has helped me to sort out lots of feelings and come to tons of revelations, I think now I can start being a little more positive.

This is the part that's the hardest. All the memories hurdling toward me at full speed and quickly. Thanksgiving turkeys, Christmas parties and presents, the day Michael proposed to me in Las Vegas, spending New Years in Las Vegas with my family. If I can make it through the next two months, I know I'll be okay. I guess I knew it all along though. In your heart it hurts so much, like you have a hole in your chest with a vacuum sucking everything into it. When you cry, it feels like it's never going to get better, that things couldn't possibly improve and you just wish it had never happened. However, in the end, you dry your tears, take a few shaky but deep breaths, think of a good memory to smile about and keep on moving. Michael and I surprisingly had several end-of-life talks including what we would want the other to do in a situation like this. His answer? Go be happy. He was all about being happy, so that's what I'm doing.

Usually when it comes to this week, I get utterly depressed. Sometimes I don't even realize what day it is and I wonder, why am I feeling so crappy? Then I look at the calendar and say, oh... that's why. For the first time in six months, I had a great night out with a bunch of friends and I truly felt happy and at ease, not worrying about how I was going to feel tomorrow. Let's face it, if I wake up tomorrow in tears, nothing I do now is going to change that.

So a bunch of us went out for Frank's birthday. We started at Sakura's for dinner (I have to say, it does not compare to Ozumos or Minami in New York but still deliciouos) and I was surrounded by great people, some I knew, some who were new to me and plenty of laughs. Afteward we went to Richochet's to play some pool. Many of you know how much I love to play pool, I don't play often but I have such a great time when I do, especially with these guys. I won a game, I lost a few, laughed a lot. It was a great time. Then I came home to a great welcome from my puppy who missed me dearly.

I couldn't ask for things to be going any better given the situation.

Oh, by the way, my cousin Travis is married!!! I didn't have a major meltdown at the wedding at all. Instead I danced my ass off had plenty of drinks and just had fun with my family. Luckily not many people reminded me of how "that could've been you," or gave me pitiful looks all night. The last thing you need is for someone to remind you of what you're doing such a great job of forgetting. Anyway, it was a blast - pictures of the event are on my Facebook page in an album somewhere. Oh, and while I was in New York, I had time to visit the Eckhoff's and visit Michael. His headstone is up and it looks beautiful. Sonny also spruced it up a bit, it looks really nice. I'd post pictures (yes I took pictures) but I'm afraid some of you would just think I'm weird... Oh and I got to see Mikey, Jr. who was surprised to see me and jumped into my arms to give me a huge hug and kiss. Here's a picture of him - this six-year-old is getting so tall! Yeah, he was playing Wii right before I took this picture. Sorry it's blurry, the first picture I took he stood there and stuck his tongue out at me, I thought this one was better.

Okay, that's all for now, I promise...

I lied - here's a picture of Sushi for you. Driving Kristopher's car around. Ha Ha.

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