Merry Christmas everyone, Happy Holidays, Happy New Year!!! Except, I'm not happy for the New Year. The New Year celebration is often thought of as a time to leave the last year behind and start new, start fresh! Make those resolutions, do things different, better, bigger, all starting on the moment the clock strikes midnight. In the past, that was easy, I was happy and wanted the happiness to continue with the New Year.
The clock reads 11:14pm in Louisiana, I flip furiously through the channels looking for the news coverage of the celebration in Times Square, New York City. After all, I haven't missed seeing that ball drop on television for the past 20 years. Not one channel was covering it; then I realized, I had missed it. I had waited too long, it was already New Year's Day in New York. It was suprisingly one of the most depressing moments of my life. I didn't think it would affect me so much but I was genuinely upset. There went another tradition out the window. I got mad at myself thinking that I should have paid more attention to the time, I should've known better. Story of my life, right?
Now, I hadn't had a good cry since Christmas morning. Before Christmas, I haven't cried in quite some time. I didn't realize it, but I was bottling up a whole bunch of tears. Well Christmas morning, I get an e-mail from Michael's mom and when I woke up, after I took my shower, after I tried to calm myself because I knew it was Christmas morning and I knew I wasn't at Michael's house like I usually am at 7am, I called the Eckhoffs. Talking to the family on the phone, I could hardly contain my tears. When I got off the phone I collapsed into tears. I cried and I cried long and hard thinking about Michael and the broken tradition we had of bouncing around to every single Christmas event so that everyone was happy and everyone got to see us. I was missing Penny's Christmas breakfast, it was always the best breakfast ever (and I don't usually get up for breakfast at all). I didn't go visit Michael and the Eckhoff family until Saturday. They had the tree up, tinsle and all. I missed tinsling the tree with Penny, we were always so precise, then, when we though it was perfect and done, Sonny would come in and take tinsle by the handfuls and fill in the spots he thought were "missing" tinsle. I brought Sushi over there to visit and he happily met Baby and left with a huge rawhide for Christmas. I played with Mikey and opened some Christmas presents. Mikey was depressed when I left and he gave me his plastic yellow and black sunglasses to keep and bring back the next time I come to visit. It was so sweet.
After that, I returned to my house, took a nap and went out with my friends, Emilios, Jason and Marisa for dinner. It was a great time at good old Olive Garden.
The rest of the holiday you ask? It was good, it was the same as it was every other year. We decorated the tree in the Lee household two days before Christmas. We went to the Candlelight service at Calvary and again I got sentimental. Dad cooked enormous amounts of food for the Yung side of the family and we went out to dinner for the Lee side of the family. Sushi got to meet his cousins, Jackson (super-hyper) and Otto (a pig disguised as a pug) and it was fun to watch them interact. My dog got nicknamed as the "pipsqueak" by dad. Every morning I shed a few tears for what I wasn't doing. Even though I had a great time and enjoyed being with my family, a few parts of me always missed Michael.
Sunday, the 28th, the day I left for Louisiana again, my parents were heading to Las Vegas. They had wanted me to go with them for New Year's. Laura, Peter and my brother Christopher were all making the trek over there to eat delicious food, see the house all furnished and have a great family time together. I had to refuse. After that emotionally charged 9 days in New York, I needed to be at "home." So I went back to Louisiana instead. I was upset because I wasn't in Las Vegas but at the same time I was glad I wasn't on a plane to Las Vegas. Why? The 28th marked one year since Michael proposed to me in Las Vegas. I'm not ready to go back there during the same time I was there last year.
So this last long stretch of holiday fun has also left me emotionally drained. It was a very much needed drain, like a bathtub full of water just sitting there waiting for someone to pull the stopper. It's what I hadn't realized I've been keeping inside of me. I'm not out of the woods yet boys and girls. I have a lot more healing to do, a lot more memories to miss and more thoughts of Michael in my mind every single day. Yet, like I've said before, thank God for best friends, for mercy and for taking care of me. My faith is still strong, I'm going to make it.
I'm in Houston now, visiting friends, it's been a pretty good time so far. It's time for lunch so I guess I'll end it here.
Happy New Year everyone, wishing you all whatever you want for 2009.