They Say It's (It Was) My Birthday!

Okay, time for the monthly rundown huh? So much is going on this month emotionally with me. There is such a huge mix of feelings and it's hard sometimes to sort through them all.

My 26th birthday was a small fun gathering. It was nothing like last year and I'm coming to realize that it's okay. I was with the people I considered my closest friends down here in Lafayette. I spent the day making my birthday cake and putting the finishing touches on the BMW cake that I made for my friend Blake who turned 25 on the 9th. Then Kristopher, his mom and I met up with Scott, Blake, Blake's friend and Bret at Shinto on Ambassador Caffrey Parkway in Lafayette. We sat in the hibachi section hoping for a fun show. It wasn't too bad but the food was soooo delicious. After we made sure that Kristopher's mom wouldn't faint from lack of O2 (they asked us to move either her or just the tank to the Sushi section because they were afraid it would explode), we sat back and enjoyed the show. Our hibachi chef was pretty entertaining though most of us concluded that we've seen better. Maybe he just wasn't that into it. Kristopher did make sure to embarrass the heck out of me by telling them it was my birthday. (EDIT: It was Blake who informed them of my birthday not Kristopher!) At the end of the meal, they came out banging on a drum and making all sorts of noise, sang Happy Birthday in Japanese (or what they said was Japanese) and presented me with a fruit boat and the opportunity to wear a fun hat. My birthday spoils include a Coach wallet in fushia (from me), a three-candle set with extra candles (from Kristopher's mom), a bonsai sago palm tree (from my sister), a red Coach swingpack (from Marty, Kristopher's cousin), and there are two more bags and a gift from my brother on the way... I can't wait!

After dinner we all went back to the house for cake. If you haven't seen pictures of them in my Facebook albums already, here they are. I kept the BMW cake a total surprise from Blake and I think most of my joy that day was seeing how much Blake loved his gift. He took zillions of pictures of it (which he needs to e-mail me...) before deciding, he just couldn't cut it that night and would eat it tomorrow after showing it off to some more friends. I was fine with that - I don't think I could've watched him cut into it without crying. Better that he cut it somewhere else where I couldn't witness the murder. His cake was chocolate with chocolate icing, mine yellow cake with vanilla icing. Sammy, Chris and Matt showed up in the middle of cake to also hang out for a little bit. It quickly turned into a super WoW conversation and I guess I started to get bored at that point and started thinking too much about my birthday last year.

After everything was over and we went home, I was in a horrible mood. I was just upset that I had somehow lost attention during the celebration and started thinking about the people that I missed who weren't at my birthday. Michael, Kelly, Frankie... I got home and I shed some tears. I just missed being with them for that day so much but at the same time, I knew it was my fault because I had moved. I wanted Michael to be with me so bad. For the last five years he has always celebrated pre-birthdays, birthdays at midnight and all day and post-birthdays with me. He'd always break out into song at midnight and most times came down with an Entemann's cake or cupcake with a candle in it. I missed that and it hit me hard. My birthday was like another holiday that had changed dramatically just because Michael isn't here. All I wanted for my birthday was to remember him and so I tore through my Michael box filled with his previous birthday cards to me and read them all. I cried hard and it felt good.

Following that day things have returned to "normal." I have been thinking about Michael every single day and night. I still haven't been sleeping through the night and whenever I'm awake, I tend to think of Michael -- the morning he died just replays in my head over and over and it makes me sad. I wish I could figure out what my brain is trying to tell me... it's so painful to think of that morning but at the same time, I guess I'm glad I was there every step of the way with him although it wasn't that long at all.

Mother's Day has just passed. Happy Mother's Day to all you mom's out there and expecting moms. It seems like so many people I know are now in the baby stage of their lives. I'm almost a little jealous. Between all the weddings and babies being born this year -- I'm surprised I've been able to keep it together as much as I have been. I'm just so ready to be a wife and a mother and was getting prepared for that with Michael and I hate to say it this way but it's like I have to start that process over. I can't rush into it with just anyone you know, have to be emotionally ready and all that but it seems like I've just taken a giant leap backwards in that part of my life while I watch everyone else go forward. It makes me jealous, I admit it. Last year was the first year that Michael's son, Mikey Jr. had decided that he wanted to make me a mother's day card. Michael didn't put him up to it at all. It was the night before Mother's Day and we had just finished having Mikey write in his Mother's Day card for his grandmother, Penny. He called Michael into his room and asked him, "What about Michelle?" The next morning I was surprised with a hand-drawn Mother's Day card that said, "Dear Michelle, Happy Mother's Day, I love you." Accompanied by drawings of every TMNT weapon, and a copy of Michael's John 3:16 tattoo. I was so touched that at five years old, he understood the relationship we had and would have when Michael and I got married.

Anyhow... no need to be even more sentimental, May is just a hard month for me even though it used to be the best month. The anniversary of Michael's passing is coming up soon; much sooner than I anticipated. I've decided not to be in NY the day of but I will be there the weekend following for Sarah & Brian's wedding (!!!) I can't believe it's almost been a year, it's unreal to me and I still wish I could just freeze time.

I've gone back to some arts and crafts type things like needlepoint, cross stitch and scrapbooking. I think it's been good therapy to do those things.

In general: sentimental, unemployed (still), yet content. Here are some pictures for you (and Sarah) of the kids.
1. Sushi and I playing video games.
2. Lucy getting comfy on the daybed.
3. Keisha the doberman laying on me at Kristopher's mom's house.

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