Lately I've been missing you a lot. I've been thinking about us, about you, about me, about how much my life has changed since you've passed away. It's been more than two years now and while I have accepted it, there are some days where I can't believe it. Some days it feels like just yesterday when we were together holding hands, laughing together, feeling so much in love. It's so hard not having you here, not being able to hear your voice when I think I need it most. It literally tears me up inside and my heart physically aches like it never has before. It's like someone took half of my heart and tore it out leaving all the ends detached and hanging. I'm more emotional than I've ever been. Every sentimental moment in life or on a TV show or in a movie makes me tear up. I treasure all the little things in life so much more than I have before.
The holidays are especially hard. Traditions aren't supposed to change and I'm still adjusting to the new ones I'm creating. I remember us though... Halloween was always so much fun for us. We both enjoyed dressing up and partying and carving pumpkins. Thanksgiving was always a big celebration with your family... and then Christmas. Your favorite holiday of the entire year. The time of year when I don't think we were able to stay in one place for more than a few hours as we visited our families, ate food, opened presents and made memories. In short, I miss you.
I know I'm always going to miss you. There is no simple "getting over" someone who has had such a profound impact on my life. Instead you just become part of who I am now. I take our experiences and your words and use them to help me guide my life. Some days it would just be easier to have you here but I know you are in a place without suffering and without pain and it would be selfish of me to want you to leave that. I've noticed parts of you that have stuck with me, such as words, phrases or saying you used to use all the time. Those things are comforting.
Sometimes I do wonder what my life would be like now if you had lived. Our engagement party was just two weeks away, we were in the middle of planning an amazing wedding, you were on your way to becoming an accountant and all the pieces were falling into place. We had it all planned out... even the things we didn't want to talk about. You told me you expected me to go on if I ever lost you and I told you the same. I never thought I'd have to live by those words, I never imagined it would be so hard to keep that promise to you but I have. I have gone on and I have found another who loves me. It doesn't end the struggles that come during the year although each year I deal with it better and better...
So, as I go through this cycle of sadness and longing, I pray to God that he continue to give me the strength I need to keep on going and take every day one at a time. I pray that he continues to bless me with the knowledge and reassurance that everything will be okay. Mostly I thank God that He has given me another person in my life who seems to care for me as much as you have. I am quite the lucky girl to have his love, support and understanding.
Love Always & Forever,
P.S. To all my friends, family and those around me whom I love dearly. Please excuse me for the next few weeks. I am not myself, do not take my actions personally or lack of actions as I tend to just shut down when I feel like this. I'll be back to myself soon. XoXo
To my new readers... Michael and I dated for five years starting in 2003. In 2008 we were engaged, 6 months later he passed away from brain tumor. This prompted my move from New York to Louisiana in order to gain a fresh perspective on life. It's been two years but as you can see, sometimes it's still difficult. Thank you for reading.